I have an extremely hard time committing to myself and my health. I am generally better if I have to be accountable to someone who I don’t know, or someone who I have an established relationship with… other wise I just continually let myself get away with things.
Over the past 4 or 5 years, I’ve kinda let myself slip into a rather bad habit of eating, of not caring about myself, not checking up on my mental health, or emotional health and it really shows.
I have gained about 50lbs over the past 3 years. I also suffer from body dysmorphia and have had a battle with eating disorders in my 20s.
I have little to no energy or desire to do “fun” things. Yes, I do them. But I often have to drag myself out of the house.
The issue isn’t that I don’t want to do these things. It’s that I either have extreme anxiety about leaving the house or I have become so apathetic that I can’t find a fuck to give.
Leaning on someone is something very different for me. I generally try to be very independent. I don’t have high or low hopes, I just have hope. I hope that I can meet the small goals I set, and I hope that I can forgive myself but not let myself off the hook if I fail.
I’m going to be 38 this year and I always feel trapped some where between being 15 and being 37.
Here’s to always trying to get better and trying to hold yourself accountable, even if it means asking someone else to help you stay on track. Adulting is hard because we’re all told to accept how hard it is and not encouraged to reach out. It’s okay to reach out.
til tomorrow Midgard,